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pbom777
Hello, my name is [Patti]!
The best word to describe me is: Favorite historical movement: My inspiration: I Joined the Impact because... Hello, my name is Patti and one of my two sons is gay. As I write this, I know it would help you if I gave you some information about my background and my situation, so that you know where I come from and where my heart is. I come from an ultra conservative Republican background and was raised Catholic. I have two sons, my eldest (31) is married and went back to school to become a pharmacist ; while his wife (and my daughter-in-law) is attending veterinary school. My youngest (25) graduated with a degree in theatre. This letter is about him. When he was little, we noticed certain traits and behaviors that concerned us. My husband and I discussed amongst ourselves the possibility of Danny being gay, and knew that we had done nothing to encourage him. In hind sight I wish I had been more informed to make him feel more comforted in his own skin. In tenth grade, we asked him if he was gay (no girlfriends, eyebrow raising pictures on the computer, etc.) but he denied it and ran out of the house with my husband running behind him to catch and calm him down. Prior to this incident, we became familiar with “Born again Christians” and all three of us got baptized in the local Christian Non-Denomination church that we DO NOT attend anymore. He came out officially to us about two years ago at the age of 23. He called my husband on the phone first, then, I spoke to him after that and I felt like the world had landed on my chest! I couldn’t breathe; my world felt like it was ending… you can’t imagine how awful I felt. I couldn’t stop crying, even though I knew all along that he was gay, I knew that he was not choosing this on purpose! I knew he had fought his feelings for so many years. We told him we loved him and knew all along that he was gay, he told us that by having the courage to let it out and admitting it to us and everyone else, that he felt the happiest he has ever felt…a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders (and straight into mine!). My dreams were those of a mother in mainstream America, where your child gets married, you get a new daughter or son-in-law, and hopefully children, etc. This changed everything and we were no longer part of the “mainstream American dream” we were part of the citizens that were considered more of a ‘fringe’ society; who were singled out or marginalized for hate crimes and ridiculed. Eventually, little by little talking to anyone about my gay son (I practiced the word with strangers who must have thought I was crazy!), and joining PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), I felt that my life was getting back on track. I also craved any information and literature that talked about gays, including two documentary films, “For the Bible tells me so” and “Anyone and Everyone” (I highly recommend both!). These films portrayed families like mine (and I thought I was unique!) who had the same exact thing happening to them and how they all managed to come to terms with their child’s courageous coming outs. This truly inspired me and gave me a cause; a reason to fight for equal rights for my son and all the others who don’t have a parent to stand up for them. Not all families embrace their children which is why I now feel like this is my ministry. My former church minister didn’t think it was Biblical for my son to have a relationship, and stated; “Church doctrine states that he can be gay but should abstain from any same sex relationship.” But I just couldn’t imagine a life sentence of loneliness for my youngest boy and all the other gay and lesbian children. I know that Jesus preached all about love, forgiveness, and not to judge one another. Some of the rules that a few extreme fundamentalist churches preach can’t be correct; my heart and pure common sense tell me this. Some of the writings at the time were culturally designed during a period of time that had more gender rules between men and women (women were viewed as inferior creatures). Although the Bible is specific on many items (LOVE), the written word must be viewed in the light of historical context, human experience and new understandings, it needs to be continually restated for every culture and age in history and not to do so would be like worshipping dead print on decaying paper. The Bible permitted sexual behavior that we no longer allow like a childless widow able to seek an heir through her dead husband’s brother, polygamy, concubines, marriage to very young girls as young as 11, slavery, etc. and condemned things that we now allow like mixing fibers in clothes, intercourse during menstruation, naming of sexual organs, celibacy, etc. Do I really want to serve a God that is so small and limited in the minds and interpretations of some of the more fundamentalist churches? I realized that the God I want to serve includes everyone! Not just some….but all of us who have fallen short of perfection….essentially the whole human race! I know that my son’s values have not changed, he has role models of long-term relationships and I wish that for him too. Part of my therapy in dealing with this is talking as much as I can to groups about PFLAG and GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Encounter), and never to be ashamed of my child (there is nothing to be ashamed of in the good loving child that I raised). The more I spoke and cried, the better things got and if I encountered negativity in friends or family I was prepared to drop them as friends (life is too short and there are much bigger issues out there). However, now as I grow and change, I do encounter people who are uninformed and have not been made aware of parent support groups, understanding their gay children, or gay friends. I realize now (I learn and change daily) that they just do not know or are not at the point in their life where they can understand this or are open to learn anything, but hoping that their time will come. My parents were told about their grandson and accept him as he is. My Dad just passed away on February 13, 2008, and I was glad that I got to tell him about my son so I could experience his acceptance of this. I also have a cousin (on my Father’s side) who is 53 and gay; my Grandfather’s only sister in Mexico (in the 1920’s) was a lesbian and served in the army!! She had a life-long partner until she died (not many heterosexual relationships go that long!). Imagine how hard they had it back then. What I know is that my youngest son couldn’t help being born this way and it is part of my family history. I’m convinced there is a genetic link, which is described in the movies I mentioned, and also there may be hormonal links during pregnancy. There is still so much that we don’t understand. I just want more people to come to the place I have grown to so that their families can heal faster. I do realize that I still have a lot of growing to do myself; however, the first step is accepting who they are. If we could all realize that this behavior also exists in the animal kingdom (this is a true story about two penguins at a zoo; “And Tango Makes Three”, by Justin Richardson & Peter Parnell) and start loving everyone without concern of gender and or sexual orientation, we would have a much more accepting society. Perhaps family’s can start teaching their children early and very young that it’s okay to be gay, that some families will have two moms or two dads and not marginalize more good people and families. Not everyone, because they are gay or lesbian, are going to be a good or bad person; that is not what makes the person. Don’t look at the gender…just look at their hearts. I know my children’s hearts and I wish them all the happiness that I had and have for both of them. I can finally say that I’m thankful for my son being gay (never thought I could say this; I always wanted things to go in reverse so I could rewind and erase), but he has shown me that I can really love unconditionally and non-judgmentally. I feel that I have learned one of life’s huge lessons and passed! I’ve met so many wonderful people that are gay, lesbian, bi and transgender through the organizations that I now belong to, I cry with them and their heart breaking day to day issues and wish I could be with them to defend all the hurt that is tossed at them by the ignorant masses at anything that they don’t understand. I hope all these words that come directly from my heart can help someone (it helps me to put it down on paper). Every human being deserves all the happiness that is out there for anyone to take; don’t let anything or anyone stop you. Be kind to your fellow human being, stay out of trouble and always lend a helping hand to anyone who needs it without being judgmental or expecting anything in return. Patti A PFLAG Mother Share your favorites
Latest page update: Nov 18 2008, 11:49 AM EST
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