General Guidance on Marriage Counter Event, from Marriage Equality USA

An Explanation of why we do this:

Thank you for your willingness to take personal action in support of marriage equality for same-sex couples. This year, Join the Impact is co-hosting the annual Marriage Equality USA marriage counter actions which take place in coordination with February’s Freedom to Marry week activities intended to raise awareness and educate the public on the importance of securing marriage equality for same-sex couples and their families across the nation.

Our action is simple yet profound. It can be done with as few as just 2 people and be organized in any locality around the nation (except MA and CT thankfully). The event consists of encouraging couples to “get engaged” for marriage equality by asking for marriage licenses at their local marriage counters. Nothing better highlights the state-sanctioned discrimination against same-sex couples by having long-term same-couples, often with children and grandchildren in tow, turned away from the counter that serves every other heterosexual couple that approaches – no questions asked.

Ending marriage discrimination is a civil rights issue which concerns everyone. We encourage our straight allies, single people and supportive clergy to attend the annual marriage license counters to show support for the couples and to share why you support marriage equality.

With an ever growing number of states and countries which do marry and/or recognize the marriages of same-sex couples, we also encourage those already married couples to attend this event with a copy of their license to share the experience of being married while pointing out the challenges of non-recognition of those marriages which vary by where you happen to be standing at the moment.

Though this is a demonstration in support of civil rights for LGBT people, please understand that this is not an adversarial event. Many of the county clerks are personally supportive of marriage equality and some of the counties have passed resolutions in support of marriage equality. People who engage in this activity agree to conduct themselves with dignity, friendliness and not to raise their voices or act impolite. The county clerks are not able to change the law, they are carrying out the laws as enacted by the State legislators – not their own personal conscience – which is often at odds with their required acts to turn us away.

This is a solemn but dignified action – it is in the tradition of the civil rights lunch counter demonstrations – it is not about making a lot of noise, it is about peaceably rendering visible the legal discrimination that happens at that counter everyday. If same-sex couples never ask for the licenses, the clerks’ offices and the public don’t ever have to think about the 1,138 federal and hundred of state rights that any man and woman can just step right up and receive but that gay couples are categorically denied. Straight ally couples can join in the counter action by asking for the license – and then giving it back – stating “It isn’t fair that same-sex couples can’t be married too. So we aren’t going to engage in this paperwork today, thank you anyway.”

Marriage Equality USA is not advocating that the action include a sit-in. If you chose to incorporate this form of civil disobedience in your local action, we suggest you first consult with your local ACLU or National Lawyer’s Guild and ensure that your event stays peaceful and cooperative to the extent possible.


How the Marriage Counter Action Works:

1. Outreach/Recruitment of Local Supporters/Couples.

Identify unmarried, committed same-sex couples who are from the local community and willing to speak to the media about their story and present the local face to the issue of marriage discrimination. The couples will ideally be diverse and long-term couples. It is really wonderful if couples can bring their families (children, grandchildren, parents, siblings) to join in the call for marriage equality.

The flyer template for this event is attached – feel free to modify this for your particulars and post in coffee shops, LGBT centers, supportive places of worship, libraries, schools.
Send the event information as soon as possible to your local newspaper’s free event calendar section, online groups, church/temple newsletters, local radio stations so they can announce the event as a public service announcement.

Here is a sample email to send to local allies – ask them to forward the email on to anyone they know who might be interested in participating in the event.

Dear Friend:

Please join the [region] Chapter of Marriage Equality USA and Join the Impact in our annual marriage counter action which combines Valentine’s Day Weekend’s focus on love and commitment with February’s Freedom to Marry month activities intended to raise awareness and educate the public on the importance of securing marriage equality for same-sex couples and their families.

We would be honored if you would join us at our event on Thursday, February 12, 2009 from [00:00 to 00:00 AM/PM] at the [Region] County Clerk’s Office located at [Street Address, City, State Zip]. Please arrive promptly as the event is short in duration. If you can attend, please RSVP to [chapter leader’s contact name, email and phone contact information] with your name, number of attendees, and cell phone and email contact information so we can let you know of any last minute changes and work with you to tell your story to the media in advance of the event.

Our action is simple yet profound. The event consists of local same-sex couples and their supporters “getting engaged” for marriage equality by asking for marriage licenses at their local marriage counters. Nothing better highlights the state-sanctioned discrimination against same-sex couples by having long-term same-couples, often with children and grandchildren in tow, turned away from the counter that serves every other heterosexual couple that approaches – no questions asked.

Though this is a demonstration in support of civil rights for LGBT people, please understand that this is not an adversarial event. Many of the county clerks are personally supportive of marriage equality. People who engage in this activity agree to conduct themselves with dignity, friendliness and not to raise their voices or act impolite. The county clerks are not able to change the law, they are carrying out the laws as enacted by the State legislators – not their own personal conscience.

This is a solemn but dignified action – it is in the tradition of the civil rights lunch counter demonstrations –it is about peaceably rendering visible the legal discrimination that happens at that counter everyday. If same-sex couples never ask for the licenses, the clerks’ offices and the public don’t ever have to think about the 1,138 federal rights and hundreds of state rights that any man and woman can just step right up and receive but that gay couples are categorically denied. Straight ally couples can join in the counter action by asking for the license – and then giving it back – stating “It isn’t fair that same-sex couples can’t be married too. So we aren’t going to engage in this paperwork today, thank you anyway.”

Thanks for your support and please let us know if we can expect to see you there!!

(Send those folks who RSVP a reminder on Monday, February 9th with any additional details. )

There is no substitute for the good-old-fashioned personal invitation/request to attend sent out to your friends, coworkers and family members. Don’t just rely on email – follow up with everyone you can on your list and any other source to get them to commit to the event.

For tips on getting couples and local media to attend and cover this event – see additional sections below).
People are encouraged to dress in wedding garb, please do arrive dressed at least as nice as you would for a business interview – look smart and festive for the cameras and public.

2. Ensuring your local media covers the Marriage Counter Event:

See the template press release and modify it for your particulars. Substitute one of the quotes as yours – and/or a local couple or two that are interested (and ideally experienced) in speaking with the media. Make sure they receive the talking points and background information enclosed herein are prepared to make space in their schedules to accommodate press requests to meet with them before/after the event itself and are comfortable sharing their stories about why marriage equality is important to them. The more diverse and able you are to reflect the local population the better. If you can identify a person who speaks Spanish, be sure Spanish speaking media are invited (we are in the process of translating the press release into Spanish).

Once you have modified your local press release – look up the contact phone numbers for your local television stations’ news desks (including cable), local radio stations’ and local newspapers- ask to speak to the News Assignment Editor. Introduce yourself, tell them about the event and ask them to cover the event. Ask if they have any community bulletins or announcements to help you get the word out about this event. They will give you the contact email or fax number to send them the local press release. Once you send them the information – wait a day or so and call back – ask if there has been a reporter to cover the event – see if you can get that person’s name and contact phone number and introduce yourself. If not, call them a day or two before the event and confirm that they are planning on sending a reporter to cover the event and that they have the necessary time etc. Persistence and relationship building ALWAYS pays off.

Be sure to collect the business card of any media that covers your event and give them your business card – directing them to our website for further background information that they require on the issue. Be sure you watch/record/clip any media coverage and send the reporter a MEUSA thank you note after the piece airs/is published. Send in a copy/link to the group so we can cheer you on.


3. Engaging in the Marriage Counter Action Itself:

Have people meet out in front of the clerk’s office. Bring the pre-made signs, banners, etc. Invite passerbyers to take a Marriage Equality sticker, handout and ask them to sign the marriage declaration. Bring several pre-made red/pink heart signs stapled to popsicle sticks and have people use a big black marker to write in their names and information like “Frank + Joe – together 15 years” (See suggested chant and song sheet if you want to incorporate chants or songs). Have straight allies hold signs like “Married 40 years and Happy to Have You Join us!”

Once you get your critical mass of people together at the clerk’s office, or are ready to go in there by yourselves, leave your signs out front and walk in arm and arm. The important thing is to smile and be very polite, stand in line and try to engage others in conversations about why you are there – “We have been together X years and we want to be married to receive the 1400 rights and responsibilities of civil marriage. Domestic Partnerships/Civil Unions are inferior and unequal. (See sheet about the differences) and because of DOMA even couples married in CT, MA and CA can’t access the 1,138 federal rights of marriage. See if you can get people around you to talk about marriage equality – see if they will take a sticker or postcard – don’t get in any confrontational arguments with unsupportive people, just smile and walk away. You are an ambassador for the LGBT community – we know this is painful –just remember we are making progress – so go in and leave with a friendly attitude and heads held high– even if you have tears in your eyes.

The couples politely line up at the clerk’s office, tell the clerk about your family and why you want to be married, explain how long you’ve been together and your fears about what could happen to you without having access to the rights of marriage. (We’ve had supportive clerks actually say “It hurts my heart to have to turn you away – but the current law gives me no choice – hopefully this will be the last year I will have to turn you away.”) Typically, the clerk explains that current law doesn’t allow them to give you a license and the couple should give them the MEUSA handout on the 1138 federal rights that only come with marriage and say “Thank you for your time and for your support. We hope you will help us work to end marriage discrimination – we are prepared to assume the rights and responsibilities of marriage – we take that commitment seriously and we look forward to the day when all couples are treated equality. Thank you” – then the same-sex couple – leaves the counter and sincerely congratulates the non-gay couples getting married and say “We hope to join you soon – do you want a Freedom to Marry sticker – thanks for your support.” And walk out. We usually have each individual couple go up and do this. The press is generally invited to witness and/or film this event but act as though you don’t even see them there. Talk to them before and after the encounter – but at the counter itself – stay focused on the clerk. You can bring them flowers as a nice gesture.

For supporters (straight allies and single people) please bring positive and supportive signs like “Honk if you support marriage equality for all” and “I believe in marriage for same-sex couples, don’t you?” and/or the Liberty, Justice and Marriage Equality signs we have. Just be friendly supporters and be ready to give the couples a hug – it is hard to get turned away – thanks for your support.


Talking Points for Freedom to Marry Day Action
For Same-Sex Couples:

[insert your spouse’s name] and I are just one of the hundreds of same-sex couples all over the country who are standing up for the dignity of our relationship by getting turned down for a marriage license today.

What would you do if your government told you, you couldn’t marry the person you loved and refused to give your partner access to any of the governmental protections afforded all other couples? Wouldn’t you do something to try to protect your family too?

It is painful to be told that my government would allow me to legally marry some stranger off the street today, but that I cannot marry [insert spouse’s name] – who I love with all my heart, who has been my life partner for [ ] years. There is nothing fair or just about that.

We aren't expecting county clerks to issue marriage licenses today, but we do want them to know that there are same-sex couples in [ ] County that want to take on the financial, emotional and cultural responsibilities of marriage and cannot because of unfair governmental discrimination.

We want the securities that different sex couples have; we want to be able to plan for our future, we want to have the security of knowing that our relationships are respected and we will be protected equally.

We are asking for equality under the law. We are asking that our government provide protections and benefits to our family too.

We will keep coming back until we can finally get legally married. We all deserve the freedom to marry the person we love.

This weekend is Valentine’s Day and we are celebrating our loving, committed relationship by asking that the government put an end to discriminatory marriage laws at our local marriage counter.

IN CA and other states with pending marriage bills/lawsuits:
Not yet marrieds
We are hopeful that we will get a favorable decision from our State Supreme Court soon so we won’t have to turned away the next time we come here.”

Marrieds
We are one of the 18,000 couples who were able to marry here last year and it is just heartbreaking to watch couples just like use have to be turned away today. Getting married was one of the happiest days of our lives and we are hopeful the court will protect our marriages and ensure that all couples can again enjoy the fundamental right of the freedom to marry.



States that have laws against marriage equality:
We know that everyday more people are coming to our side and seeing that it is only fair and just for us to be able to access a civil marriage license like other families. We will see this change in our lifetime and are honored to play a small part in the civil rights movement for LGBT equality.

EVERYONE talking points

I believe in equal rights for all people – this is an issue of basic civil rights.

I’m happy to be apart of this effort of ending marriage discrimination once and for all.

Straight Allies talking points

I am a straight ally in support of marriage equality for same-sex couples.

I think that gay people should be able to marry too – they are a loving committed couple why should the government discriminate against them?

It doesn’t threaten my marriage at all - I’m happy for them!

	//6233306v.1